Codependency Alert: More Dangerous Than Heroin Addiction!
Why is codependency worse than heroin addiction? Because it’s subtle, sneaky, and wreaks havoc on our nervous systems, potentially causing more fatalities than substance abuse.
In my 35 years specializing in addiction treatment, it became evident that the individuals most in need of treatment were often the codependents. The addict relies on this system to sustain their addiction; without a good codependent or enabler, the addict can not survive.
Throughout my career, I discovered that every addict also suffers from codependency. Addicts choose substances to medicate their pain, while codependents choose “being needed” as their drug of choice.
Codependent people are inherently sensitive, deeply feeling, heart-centered, caring, compassionate, and loving. They want the best for everyone, avoid conflict, and strive to make others happy. They are highly attuned to others' emotions, facial expressions, body language, and subtle cues. Their efforts to meet others' needs make them beautiful, soulful individuals.
The Core Issue: Discomfort Tolerance
At the core of codependency is an inability to tolerate discomfort. The discomfort they feel within is so intense that they sideline their own needs to please, care for, control, rescue, and become overly involved with others. Or use substances to cope.
My Personal Revelation
This issue is personal for me. I am in a codependent relationship with my two daughters. I was in a codependent relationship/marriage for 35 years.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was written in 1986 and was an eye opener for humans. I entered 12-step recovery in 1987. Attending various 12-step programs, starting with Overeaters Anonymous and then a weekly women’s Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I transformed my life. Following others' directions, no matter how uncomfortable, was crucial. Reading Melody’s book in 1988, I strived to avoid codependency. Recently, through my introduction to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg and No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz who developed Internal Family Systems, I've reached a new level of awareness. For the first time, I recognized that I have needs! I was astounded, having spent my life meeting others' needs. And I chose the perfect profession for it, right?
A Hard Truth to Admit
I can see I placed my value as a human being on what I could provide and do for others. I thought I was generous, loving, kind and giving from the bottom of my heart. And I can see now that it fills a hole in my soul that comes from my own childhood wounding of wanting to be loved and understood by my caretakers - my mom and dad. I thought from childhood, if I can make my parents happy, then they would be happy, and I would be happy. This pattern of not having my own needs met as a child led me into strategies of how to get my needs met. And not having a conscious understanding of what my needs even were. So this pattern has been alive in me since childhood, now brought to the surface with my new knowledge. I love that I am a forever student willing to be taught new things - from books, clients, friends, co-workers and family members.I am so fortunate.
An Eye-Opening Example
When I see and feel my daughters' pain, I still put my own needs aside and don’t speak up. In December 2022, my youngest daughter and I planned to visit my oldest daughter and her husband in North Carolina. I canceled due to a health issue. I felt horrible making that choice. My youngest daughter decided to visit her boyfriend’s family for the holidays, and I thought I would relax at home. Then my health issue became urgent, requiring a medical procedure. I chose not to tell my daughters to save them from worry, arranging everything myself, though it was very stressful. At the last minute, I decided to tell them. My youngest daughter was furious. I didn’t understand; I was only trying to think of her (victim statement BTW). In reality, my codependency was so profound, I didn’t even give her the choice to make her own decision as an adult. WOW! This was a huge revelation of my level of codependency. We discussed it and agreed I would be honest and transparent moving forward, regardless of the impact on her.
Embracing a New Approach
Admitting this might seem self-centered, but in reality, I have no control over how my needs affect others. DEEP BREATH.
What I can control is going within, centering myself, practicing what I wrote in my M.A.P. 2 Consciousness book, embracing my new NVC style, identifying and practicing my IFS parts work (which is truly shamanic work), being mindful of my tone, energy, and delivery, and letting go of the outcome.
Join the Journey
I am thrilled to launch Juicy Relating on June 2, every Sunday from 4 to 6 pm. This weekly group will allow us to bring anything to the table for practice and discussion. It’s a special blend of Authentic Relating, NVC, Tantra, Role Play, Energy Connection, and Ancestral Wisdom. This endeavor combines my 61 years of life experience, professional wisdom, and unique style that I think is pretty cool.
I aim to be a demonstration of what is possible. I don’t see myself as superior or as a therapist or Shamanic Practitioner who knows it all. I view myself as a spiritual being having a human experience—humble and just like everyone else. By loving all parts of ourselves—the light and the shadow—we create an energetic field of love and acceptance in our work together as a community.
Final Thoughts
Pushing our own needs aside to please others leads to anger and resentment. It’s time for a new world. Join me on this journey of self-discovery and freedom from addiction and codependency. Soul Vision is about walking our talk.
